Soul of a Dragon
by drollydragon
Summary: A fill-in fic for Valka's twenty years spent away from Berk. She is living in the nest of the Bewilderbeast and must learn what it truly is to be a dragon.
1. Chapter 1: The Nest

" _Stoick!_ "

Valka cried out as she saw the small burning building become smaller and smaller. The wind caught her voice and tossed it around. The shouts, roars, and screams of the village faded from earshot. Cold, scaly talons gripped her tighter as she struggled, batting and pushing at the dragon's mighty claws.

"No!" she shouted again, knowing quite well that no one could hear her. "No, no, no, no…" Valka looked up in terror at the giant beast carrying her. How could she have been such a coward? This dragon would surely eat her, just as it had nearly eaten her son. Hiccup—he'd grow up without a mother; he and Stoick would grieve and be in pain...all because Valka couldn't—or wouldn't—kill a dragon.

She sighed and gave up struggling—it was no use. She'd just become another one of the hundreds of Vikings whose lives were ended by dragons. What had she seen in this dragon? Intelligence? Kindness? Wisdom? Whatever it was, she'd spared it because of that, and now she was paying the price.

Valka squinted against the howling, icy north winds. This was certainly a long way to go just to eat her. What place was so special that this dragon would fly so far to get to, if all it was going to do was have a meal? She considered the nest...but it would surely be closer than this for the dragons to make regular raids on the village of Berk.

The dragon was taking her through a complete and utter frozen wasteland. Glaciers towered on every side of them, and the icy bridge below them was cracked in some places, revealing the dark, rolling sea below it.

Valka shivered, surveying her captor again. This strange dragon flew with four wings as opposed to the usual two, and it was a species unlike any she'd ever seen before. Maybe it was from a different nest...yes, that would make sense. She'd never assumed every dragon in the world lived in one nest; that would be illogical. She wondered what it would look like, or whether she'd even get to see it before she died, whether it be from the dragon's jaws or simply freezing to death.

She got her answer as the dragon swerved around a corner, revealing its mighty home. Valka took a breath in. It was beautiful, unlike anything she'd ever laid eyes on before. Towering columns of a turquoise-tinted ice rose in different directions, intersecting with each other and creating a secure, gorgeous structure.

 _But wouldn't it be freezing in there?_ she wondered, narrowing her eyes at it. _How do they stay warm?_

"Whoa!" The dragon folded its wings, shooting into an opening in the structure. Valka watched the ice get darker and darker until she realized she was looking at rock. Not just rock, she observed; it was covered in moss and ferns and all other sorts of plants. The ice was just an outer shell, she realized. It protected this place.

The dragon carrying her landed, attempting awkwardly to climb over the rocks without stepping on her. Valka squinted again as she saw a glimmer of light, and she gasped as the dragon suddenly let go and threw her out of the tunnel.

"Oh…"

It was incredible. Soft green grass was under her boots, and it was very warm; Valka wanted to take off her fur coat. Giant towers of plant-covered stone rose up everywhere, and when she looked up, the gaps in the ice allowed her to see the bright blue sky. But the most amazing thing was the dragons.

There were _so many_ —and most of them were species Valka could never have imagined. All sizes, shapes, and colors were distributed among them, and there were even little young ones squabbling and mock-fighting in the dirt. They were flying above her ledge, below it, and around it; they were just feet from her. She could almost touch them...she could just feel the scales of a giant chest—

"Oof!" Valka fell face-first into the ground and scrambled onto her back, heat washing over her cheeks. She'd been so absorbed in the beauty of the nest that she'd forgotten she'd been dragged there to be dragon chow. The dragon's eyes were a golden sort of yellow, and its pupils were dilated as it stared into hers. Valka could feel its hot breath on her skin. She couldn't look away as it lowered its head and opened its jaws and—

It grabbed the hood of her coat and carried her so much like a mother cat it was actually quite amusing, even cute. The dragon took flight and immediately went into a dive.

"Whoa! Oh goodness. Okay. Okay! Gah!" Valka stammered, watching the ground rush up toward her. Except it wasn't ground, actually, it was the ocean, and Valka didn't like the look of how it was bubbling. Those bubbles were _enormous_.

The dragon pulled up sharply, earning another gasp from Valka, and landed on a different ledge: a very narrow one that, if it stood on the water, would probably make her eye-level with one of the gods themselves. Her dragon set her down on the very edge of it, standing right behind her.

"Oh my," Valka muttered to herself, shaking uncontrollably, as the dragon let out an almighty roar. The surface of the water broke, and suddenly Valka found herself face-to-face with the most colossal dragon the world had ever seen.

It was mostly white and boasted a ruff of gigantic spikes tipped with brown; there were smaller spikes all over its spine and tail. Its wingspan was surprisingly small considering how huge it was, Valka noted, but she was fairly sure it could still fly well. Its legs were adorned with a strange webbing along the spines lining the backs, which was reasonable, as it had just been completely submerged in water. Its most notable trait, though, was the massive tusks it sported on its face. It was beautiful, yet absolutely terrifying.

Most of the dragons in the nest had abruptly come to attention when the dragon emerged, and Valka was shocked to see them assume a position almost like a bow. Its eyes, which were a beautiful icy turquoise, surveyed each dragon and then landed on her. Slowly, she began to realize this wasn't just the queen of a nest. This was an Alpha dragon.

Valka dropped to her knees, unable to meet the beast's regal gaze. She was shaking, both mortified and in awe. She felt its breath, which was snowy and cold, roll over her and she blinked rapidly. Slowly, she raised her head.

The Alpha searched her eyes, and she stood there and looked at all of the dragons around her, whose eyes had turned to her. None of them looked murderous, hostile, or even hungry—their expressions ranged from wary to curious to downright excited and joyful. She broke the Alpha's staredown and looked back at the dragon who had brought her in. He'd stopped bowing and was looking at her with an almost amused face. Valka couldn't help but smile. The Alpha had welcomed her. These were her people, not the Berkians.

This was where she belonged.


	2. Chapter 2: Memories

_One year later_

Valka woke to the insistent nudging of her dragon, Cloudjumper. She opened her eyes slowly, laughing as he head-butted her once again.

"Alright, I'm up," she told him, smiling. She stood and surveyed the rock walls of their cave, scratching a long line next to many others. Valka counted the lines and calculated the day. At first she felt nothing special; it was just another day in the nest. Something felt a little off, though. Something was flapping at her brain. Something important.

Valka frowned but decided she'd worry about it later. She hopped on Cloudjumper's back, and they flew out into the main part of the nest.

They were just in time for breakfast—it was no wonder Cloudjumper had woken her! The great Alpha Bewilderbeast sprayed thousands of fish into the air, and all of the dragons went crazy for them. It always made Valka laugh.

After Cloudjumper ate, they flew over to a small, grassy clearing where a group of baby Gronckles were wrestling. The pure joy that radiated from them reminded her of Hiccup.

Valka reprimanded herself. She tried not to think too much about her son or Stoick, or anything about Berk, for that matter. It just made her sad, and she would rather enjoy the moment.

The Gronckles came over to say hello, and Valka played with them for a while. She was pretty sure this was easier than actual parenting, but there was something she didn't understand. She had only been with Hiccup for a few months, and she'd known the dragons in the nest for almost a year. So why did she always think about him rather than them?

Valka grabbed a stick and started doodling dragons in the dirt to get her mind off of people, but it didn't work. She would always do that back at Berk, and Stoick liked the drawings so much that he let her draw little Thunderdrums in the water on his maps; he said it helped to keep her close when he was out on a voyage with the other men. She remembered him wondering aloud whether Hiccup would be as good of an artist. Valka had commented pointedly that she hoped he would prefer drawing dragons to killing them. Despite her sarcastic tone, that was a genuine hope of hers. Valka wished Hiccup could see her now; she wanted to teach him about dragons. She wanted him to bond with one like she'd bonded with Cloudjumper, and she wanted to go flying with him. She wished she could raise him here, among the dragons.

Valka suddenly bit her lip. _That_ was what she needed to remember—Hiccup would be a year old today. She wanted to punch herself—how could she have forgotten? It was probably all the time spent away from Berk. She picked up one of Cloudjumper's scales that had fallen on the ground and fingered it, hunching herself over and starting to talk. She hoped, somehow, in some fantastical way, Hiccup could hear her.

"I wish I could be with you, son. I would come back to you, I truly would, if I believed it would be better. But your father will keep you safe better than I could, and that's what matters the most. I hope, at least, that you're happy, and even if you believe that I'm...that I'm dead, you know that I love you, because no matter how far apart we are, you will always be my son."

And next to the dragons in the dirt, Valka sketched a handsome young man with his heart in the sky whom she knew could never be.


	3. Chapter 3: Berk

_Nine years later_

Valka was out flying. She huddled against Cloudjumper, who shielded her from the bitter pre-winter wind. She never really steered him; she just let him go wherever he wanted. She knew he'd always return them to their home when he was ready.

It was the crack of dawn, but Valka wasn't tired. She never stuck to a normal sleep schedule anymore; she really just slept whenever the nest quieted down for the night. Everyone was always up very early, so she'd adjusted to being an early bird as well. She'd gotten used to eating nothing but fish, and she loved to babysit and play with the littlest dragons. She loved living in the nest, and the dragons all seemed to accept her.

Sometimes, though, Valka still longed for the company of people; she wanted someone who could talk to her. It wasn't that she didn't appreciate her dragon family or felt that they didn't care for her. It was just that she hadn't spoken to another human in over ten years, and it often drove her a little bit mad.

Valka shook her head. She tried not to think about Berk most of the time; it didn't do to dwell on the past. She would no longer be surrounded by shouts of people, just the roars of dragons. It felt like sometimes, however, she could hear both.

Valka sat bolt upright. It wasn't just her imagination. Cloudjumper swooped down to fly just above the ocean, and a barrage of emotions seized Valka and punched her in the gut as they flew between two stone Viking statues, flames flickering in their mouths.

Panic. Elation. Shock. Fear. Nostalgia. Joy. Confusion. She wasn't sure what to do as the island of Berk came into sight, plagued by swarms of dragons and many crackling fires. It was a dragon raid.

Her first instinct was to turn back, to get as far away as possible. _No. It's not my home anymore. It's not who I am._

But yet…

Stoick was on that island. Hiccup was on that island—her son. She hadn't seen her son in _ten years_. Valka clutched her head. She hadn't been there for him. She hadn't been able to watch Hiccup grow up. But then she wondered—did she think she could have? Would she have been able to watch her son become a killer, just like his father? Did she really want to see that now?

But what if something had happened to him? What if something bad happened, and she never knew? Valka grimaced. _Just one look,_ she promised herself. _Just to make sure._

She wouldn't be seen. She'd just take a look; she'd just check on them. Just this once.

So she let Cloudjumper get closer and closer to Berk among the crowds of Gronckles, Nadders, Zipplebacks, and Monstrous Nightmares while staying low upon her dragon's back. It was too dark for anyone to see her, she thought, if she was careful. Gently, she steered Cloudjumper towards the direction of her old house.

It wouldn't be the same house, Valka reminded herself sternly. It would be a new one, constructed after the last one was burned ten years ago. For all she knew, Stoick and his son could have rebuilt the house ten times since she left, but she assumed for the moment is was just once.

She was getting close when she heard a distinct shout below.

"They just keep comin', don't they?"

Her eyebrows shot up. _Gobber?_

She decided to check on Stoick's old blacksmith friend and had Cloudjumper swoop a little lower. She spotted Gobber's distinct metal hand, equipped at the moment with a large hammer. He was all too casually tossing a sword to another man, who immediately started swinging it at a Gronckle, making Valka wince as she watched.

Gobber grabbed a blunt sword from the same Viking and yelled into the workshop. "Hiccup! Get over here!"

Valka froze as a thin boy of around ten scrambled over and, with some difficulty, hefted the sword, staggering a little as he carried it to be sharpened. Valka leaned forward, trying to get a closer look.

Hiccup's hair was auburn, and although he was notably scrawny, especially compared to Gobber and the other Vikings, his face, which was marked with too many freckles to count, was a grimace of focus and determination. He was sweating a little and looked stressed; his green eyes kept flickering to the raging battle outside, but he seemed focused on his work and not on killing the dragons.

 _Bang!_

Valka was jolted from her position as Cloudjumper roared and bolted for the skies. Before she knew it, she was facedown in the cold morning dirt just outside the back of the shop, whose walls were open to the air. She shouted instinctually and looked around wildly. The Viking who had just hammered Cloudjumper didn't seem to have noticed her and ran off to the next dragon.

She sat up as she cursed herself. _Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Come on, Cloudjumper, come back!_

"Whoa!"

Valka's head spun around before the exclamation was even finished and she found herself locking eyes with her son for the first time in ten years.

"Gods, are you okay?" Hiccup exclaimed.

"I—" Valka stammered, unable to form words.

"Gobber!" Hiccup turned around to call his teacher.

Valka's stomach dropped. Gobber would most definitely recognize her, and she'd be discovered. Before Hiccup could turn back around, she bolted back to Cloudjumper, who had landed a few yards away, feeling her heart break a little.

Cloudjumper leaped high into the air just as she heard Hiccup say, "Hey, where did you—?" and Gobber respond with something exasperated.

As Cloudjumper flew at top speed back towards the nest, Valka couldn't stop looking back. The tears came, and Valka let them. She was elated that she had seen her son—gods, he had even talked to her!—and loved him more than ever.

But that was what made it all the worse. She could have so easily stayed behind. One look from Gobber and she would have been taken to Stoick. She could have spent the rest of her life with him and with Hiccup. She would have her old family back.

But she had chose not to. And she might never see her husband or her son again.

And she loved them too much for it not to hurt.


End file.
